Come Again?

There are times when people say things to me that leave me in a dual state - part non-plussed, part consumed with a sudden need to punch them on the spot. Today was one of those times. I was standing with a co-worker - one of those co-workers you don't necessarily like, but who often accost you when you're out smoking, as if the fact that you both smoke makes you kin-folk, or some such shit - and I was fidgeting a little.

At this point I'll have to briefly digress to explain that at times a man's underwear and his - um, let's just call 'em Bits And Pieces - will interact in an odd way. I don't know who designs underwear for us, but it seems that no design - tighty whiteys, boxers, boxer/briefs, whatever - can eliminate this sort of interaction. It's like some cosmic force inexorably tangles everything up now and again, for some reason.

Anyway, I was fidgeting in the throes of one of these interactions when the co-worker appeared - and dammit, a person should be able to weather something like this alone. But no - he had to walk up to me and exclaim "What, do you have a dog in your pants or something?"

Um, WHAT? Who the hell says that? I mean, I was fidgeting - I didn't have a medium-to-large mammal wriggling around in my pants, a fact which was clearly evident. So, as often happens in situations like this, I mumbled something non-commital and then walked off, explaining that I had a meeting to get to (of course, I did not), and then spent the next 30 minutes mulling over how I should have responded.

The best ideas were as follows:

1) "No, do you have a baby elephant in your shoe?"

2) "I'm going to gut you like a fish, you piece of shit - like a fucking FISH."

3) "How in the HELL could I fit a dog in my pants? I mean, honestly."

4) "Has anyone ever mentioned to you that you're a great argument in favor of euthanasia?"

5) I should have said "Yes, and it doesn't like you." and then shoved him into the path of an oncoming bus.

Feel free to let me know what your favorite of the above options are, or alternatively suggest an option of your own.