Uncle Stan's Girls

So, anyone who knows me (and coincidentally, that's probably the population that actually reads the shit I spew on this blog), knows that I'm - at best - ambivalent about children.

Prologue: I hate kids. Hate 'em. Hated myself when I was a kid. They smell. They're loud. Their parents can't go out to the pub as much due to the kid's need for care and attention, or if they do they bring the kid with them. Their arrival somehow turns perfectly tolerable people into blithering morons (parents constantly, others while in their presence) who I'd just as soon set on fire as deal with. I could go on, but I think the picture has been painted.

"You'll feel different when you've got your own." We've been over this more than enough times; I won't be having my own.

However, a good number of my friends have recently procreated (as I previously detailed here). I'll be honest: I was a little concerned I'd hate these kids. I mean, I've had younger cousins and I hated them - and I've had a couple friends who had kids earlier in my life, and I hated those kids as well. To make matters worse, the 3 most recent additions to my previously safe and predictable world are all girls. Crap. I don't understand women as it is, and I don't understand kids; the stage was set for some serious kiddy hatred.

But damned if I don't think the world of these little ankle-biters. For the parents' sake I'll forego my normal tendency to eschew anonymity and will refer to them by first initial only (and a memo to any internet pervs: do NOT touch my girls - hell has yet to create the kind of damage I'll inflict on anyone that goes anywhere near them), but I'd like to indtroduce you all to my girls:

NOTE: The oldest one of these kids is like 10 months old, so it's not like their full personalities are out and evident to anyone but their parents. I'm describing what I see of them, from my perspective. They're works in progress, and I look forward to witnessing their evolution.

F - The most recent addition (but we're talking by a matter of months - I'm not sure what drove 3 of my friend-couples to get it on in an earnest baby-making way at nearly the same time, but that's how it happened), and the one I probably understand the most. This could be because she's the most like me. This kid's got the best pissed-off expression I've ever seen on a baby, ever. Even when she's in the most benign of moods, she looks at you like you're either crazy or like she's trying to determine if you're worth even a tiny shit. It's awesome. She's also a master of the raspberry and has no compunctions about demonstrating that fact. Also awesome. She comes from a blindingly intelligent mommy and her dad's no slouch, either - they're also both pretty straightforward, no-nonsense people, and Pops, like me, can tend to be a bit... we'll call it surly. Both are also hellacious potty-mouths, so I can't wait to watch them have to try to tone it down once she gets old enough to start repeating what she hears. Needless to say, I'm looking very forward to watching this one grow up. For her sake I do hope she gets her mom's looks and kind nature; I'm a huge fan of Pops, but this is a girl, after all.

E - This one's the real girl of the bunch. She's SO a girl. She's also a really sweet kid (not to say that F isn't, she's just not always overtly so), and has one of those "light up the room" faces. In contrast w/ F, pretty much every time I've seen her she's smiling or just serenely looking about. Again, it's quite evident that she's a product of her parents, who are both genuinely friendly folks in their own right. They're also both hyper-talented and very intelligent, so she's got good genes on her side. Funny enough, these folks are also massive potty-mouths, so I get to witness their own struggles to keep it clean as she also starts to repeat what she hears*. Whereas I see F going on to be president of this fine nation, I expect that E will go on to be one of those once-in-a-generation huge stars. It's written all over her.

(For a hoot of a good read, I invite you to read this story of a recent lunch outing during which the above 2 girls managed to fluster the living shit out of their moms and damn near wipe out a small restaurant. I can't even begin to describe the extent of my pride.)

L - This one's my baby. This is because she's the daughter of one of my oldest and closest friends. Her dad and I have been boys for well over 20 years at this point, and quite frankly her arrival shocked the living hell out of me. Dude almost never dated at all, for years, and then one day he calls me to announce that not only did he meet The One and was going to get married to her, he'd gone and knocked her up for good measure. Whoa, dude. Sadly, she's also the one I've seen the least of, due to the unfortunate fact that she and her family live in another state. She's goddamn cute as a button, though, and she's my Peanut, for reals. Looks a little too much like her dad at the moment, though (for reference, he and I get mistaken for brothers pretty much constantly - hence she kind of looks a little like me, which ain't good), something I fervently hope she grows out of. Mom's gorgeous, so I'm counting on her genes to kick in at some point and fix things up. She's a very sweet little girl, and already starting to display the gentle, kind nature that both of her parents possess. I expect she'll be the doctor of the bunch, healing the world.

I'd like you all to welcome these lovely ladies to the world, and join me in congratulating their proud parents on 3 jobs very well done. I'd also like to take this moment to congratulate those parents on displaying good, intelligent parenting right off the bat; I'm very happy to say that I am not the godfather/guardian/any-sort-of-role-that-might-land-them-in-my-lap-should-anything-happen-to-their-parents for any of these wee ladies. Whew. Not that I don't adore them, but let's be honest - that would just be a BAD idea. I'm a lot better as their Crazy Uncle Stan, a role I look very forward to playing.

So welcome to the world, ladies - and just in case I didn't make myself perfectly clear above, if anyone out there so much as looks at any of these beauties funny, I will most certainly kill that person. Slowly. Excruciatingly. Brutally. This I can promise.


*so you're all saying, "But Colin, we do read this blog; how in blazes do YOU intend to tone your own language down, huh?" Ah, silly people - I actually have no trouble at all doing so if the need arises. In fact, I'm rather well known for admonishing other adults with a stern "Oy! Little ears!" if they cuss within earshot of a kid. No worries about old Uncle Stan with that issue.